Happy New Year 2014!

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Filed under: Features,Magazine |

Happy New Year to all our esteemed readers.

Another year done and dusted and a fresh new one lay ahead of us. Before we plough headlong into 2014 we like to pause for a moment and remember some of the biggest stories of last 12 months. Just as in previous years we’ve compiled a list of the top nine most read stories which broke this year. Do you remember them all?

#9 Junkie tries to eat a bloke’s genitals

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Drug-fuelled prostitute tries to eat a man’s cock and ballsIt was back in March when drug-fuelled prostitute Priscilla Vaughn was arrested by police in Florida after she tried to bite off a client’s testicles and penis.

She was charged with attempted murder.

#8 Elephant’s trunk penis tattoo

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In January the big news was of some mentalist lunatic from Croatia who had an elephant’s trunk tattooed over his tallywhacker! Despite the obvious pain he must have had to endure the customer had the tattoo completed and was very pleased with it. Not pleased enough to show it off though, sadly there is no photographic evidence of this particular tattoo, but if you came here looking for pictures of knobs that look like elephants we don’t want to disappoint so check the strictly NSFW photo on our forum: :forum: Bloke has elephant’s trunk tattooed on his willy

#7 Two-headed shark

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Diver’s worst nightmare — a two-headed sharkIt was in March when news broke of the most terrifying thing since Sharknado — a two-headed freakin’ bull shark!

Before you get too scared to go back in the water, even a swimming pool or bath, the shark was dead. But, now we know it’s possible…

#6 Horse penis thieves

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Attempted theft of a horse’s penisIn more animal, and genital related news, some sick bastard tried hacking off a horse’s cock this year.

This was clearly bad news, not least for the horse. The attempted theft of Hrafn, the Icelandic gelding’s John Thomas, took place in Scotland back in March. The attack left the poor nag with a badly mangled skin-flute which had to be amputated.

#5 Kelly Brook topless in the sea

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Kelly Brook's bare naked boobiesIf anything was going to be popular this year it was going to be Kelly Brook‘s big naked tits.

In June Kelly took a well deserved sunshine break in Mexico and treated the world to a good gawk at her nice wobbly udders. Plumber’s thumbs and docker’s rivets come to mind. Don’t be shy, click the heading to see the gallery of knockers.

#4 Woman has sex with her dog in the front garden

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Woman arrested for public dog-sexBi-polar drug and dog abuser Kara Vandereyk was arrested in February for having full-on hardcore sex with her pet pit bull terrier in the front garden of her Las Vegas home.

It’s believed Vandereyk was stoned out of her mind when she committed the act of bestiality, because she didn’t even pack it in when cops arrived to arrest her.

#3 Schoolboy shagging goats

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13-year-old arrested for serial bestialityInto the top three now, and it’s more bestiality!

Just back in October a randy little 13-year-old devil was finally arrested by cops in Kenya after he went on a shagging spree boning practically anything that moved.

“Our preliminary investigation established he mounts goats, sheep and calves and killed three chicken through his unnatural act” Police rozzers explained.

Of course it was much more serious than that because the filthy little rotter had also been raping his younger sister.

#2 British Bigfoot

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The second biggest story we published in 2013 was the spotting of a mysterious ape-like creature running around Dorset.

17-year-old Terri Leigh Cox snapped a photograph of the unidentified creature playing in a park near her Dorchester home. No explanation has been determined for where the primate had come from, if that’s what it was. Local zoos and animal parks all denied accusations that one of their chimps had escaped.

#1 Mother gets her vibrator stuck up her son’s bottom

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Mother arrested for jamming vibrator up her baby’s anusThe most read story this year, by a long mark, was something which many readers clearly found very upsetting.

In March 21-year-old Rickesha Burns from Phoenix, Arizona, was arrested for child abuse when her two-year-old son was admitted to hospital with a battery operated sex toy stuck so far up his anus it had to be surgically removed.

To add insult to injury when Burns was arrested she gave a ridiculous statement blaming an unknown teenager for sticking her dildo up her son’s bottom.

Make sure you bookmark us, like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter to make sure you don’t miss out on any of 2014′s shenanigans. Happy new year everyone.

Cubed earwax