Happy New Year 2013!

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Filed under: Features,Magazine |

Congratulations dear readers, we’ve made it. The doomsday apocalypse came and went on December 21st, and we’re feeling all the better for it.

As is becoming a new year tradition at The Morningstarr* we’ve compiled a run down of the nine biggest stories of 2012, so let’s take a brisk walk down memory lane and recap some of the sexiest and weirdest nonsense of the past 12 months.

#9 Brand new hottie on Doctor Who


Jenna-Louise ColemanNews broke back in March that ex-Emmerdale hottie Jenna-Louise Coleman would be stepping into Karen Gillan’s big shoes and becoming the Doctor’s sexy new assistant. In fairness this story got a huge leg-up when Coleman finally arrived in the show for the Christmas special and people began searching the net about her. Looking for hot pictures, no doubt.

#8 Holly Willoughby’s breasts


Holly WilloughbyBig-jugs Willoughbooby was a busy girl last year, there were several newsworthy stories about her and almost all of them involved her smashing knockers. There was that one other story that was plastered all over the tabloids back in July when Holly had the shits and didn’t turn in for work.

But the main interest in Holly over the past 12 months seems to have been the anecdote she gave about her award-winning ninnies busting out of her frock on live children’s television. The star says since that incident she’s invested in ‘earthquake proof’ bras. Shame.

#7 Star of Eureka joins Primeval reboot


Colin FergusonNow with all fairness to Colin Ferguson who’s obviously a very popular actor, and Primeval which is a very popular show, a little bird tells us that the biggest appeal to the story we ran about new cast members for Primeval: New World is the photo of the lovely Lexa Doig we included in that article.

#6 Rodent rapist


RatNow we move on to some of the really bat-shit bonkers stuff which took place during 2012. Way back in January poor old Elizabeth Ndodayemzini from Zimbabwe went public with the horrifying story that she’s been repeatedly raped over an 18-month period by a rat.

#5 Charity knocker grope


Oppai MomiDuring the summer some enormously generous and sexy Japanese porno stars came up with a unique and enjoyable method of raising cash for AIDS charities. They let sweaty-palmed perverts squeeze their knocker-jugs for a few quid.

#4 The skin-flute newt


Atretochoana eiseltiSo from breasts to willies, an ever popular subject with Morningstarr* readers. The first knob related story on our hit parade recalls the discovery by Brazilian boffins of a newt which looks like a penis. In August this scandalous photograph was published, which quickly went viral across the interwebs.

#3 Tiny pecker used as rape defence


MicropenisIn February accused rapist 34-year-old Joel Ndebele from Dingumuzi Township in Zimbabwe was so desperate to prove his innocence that he showed court officials his ridiculously small penis. Ndebele reckons his tallywhacker has been gradually shrinking and he is no longer physically capable of penetrating a vagina. To prove his case his showed his little chap to a couple of courtroom security guards.

“It’s small” they confirmed.

#2 Sadistic pimp uses knob as torture device


Metal-studded penisThis is a bit of a nasty one, Sandor Pochev is a rotten sod of a pimp from Germany. Like a lot of horrible pimps he raped the women and girls he forced into working as prostitutes for him, but to make matters worse Pochev’s heavily pierced penis was described by the prosecution as exceptionally brutal.

“This would make a rape even more painful for the woman” they claimed.

#1 Woman gives birth to a horse


Horse babySo here we are with the number one story of 2012, in September a woman from Nigeria gave birth to a horse! Here’s one witness account of this incredible and unbelievable event:

“She held somebody’s leg with the clothes as she pushed harder for the baby to come out. Then, something dropped and she fell. The thing fell, some people called it a goat but it looked like a horse. It has a long neck and the ears were long.”

“It was exactly like a horse, although it was in a baby form.”

Amazing, and easy to understand how such a story became our most popular for 2012.

Make sure you bookmark us, like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter to make sure you don’t miss out on any of 2013′s shenanigans. Happy new year everyone.

Cubed earwax