Boyfriend troubles? Rub monkey urine on your vagina

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Baboon pissing

If you think your husband or boyfriend might have a wandering eye and you’re worried he might be on the brink of dumping you for a younger model then follow the advice of Zimbabwe’s traditional healers and apply baboon piss to your labia majora.

Currently baboon urine is one of Zimbabwe’s hottest commodities, outselling milk or sandwiches. Witch doctors, otherwise known as sangomas are making up to ZW$50 a day, which is just under ten pence sterling but is clearly a king’s ransom in backward Zimbabwe. The medicine men concoct a range of herbal remedies which women apply to their cloven genitals, the main ingredient of each treatment is male baboon pee-pee. The faultless logic behind the magic balms is that the husbands of the women who dowse themselves in primate urine will adopt some of the same characteristics as the monkeys. One of the characteristics of the chief baboon is that he only urinates in one spot and always returns to the same spot to relieve himself. According to the sangomas selling the monkey piddle the husbands take on this baboon characteristic by always coming home when they need a piss, thus staying with their wives and partners.

Women purchasing the primate-piss potions are directed to bathe before splashing the elixir on their privates and then having sexual intercourse with their husbands, preferably vaginal intercourse. The women are warned not to really overdo it with the monkey urine as it’s powerful odour might put their partners off a swift leg-over.

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