Deadly erection spider loose in Liverpool

A family in Crosby, Liverpool have been forced to flee their home after they discovered what they believe to be a deadly spider amongst a bunch of bananas.

The Ryan family discovered an ugly eight-legged creepy crawly in their shopping as they unpacked their bananas last Thursday (12th May). The hairy arachnid made an escape whilst the family flapped about panicking, but they did manage to take a photograph of it, before it disappeared somewhere in their house.

The photo was sent to boffins, experts and eggheads at the ethnology department at Liverpool’s museum and they reported that it was likely a Brazilian wandering spider (Phoneutria spp.) which they had found in their fruit. The Brazilian wandering spider, also known as the banana spider because of all the time it spends in banana trees, is an aggressive little critter with a painful bite which can be deadly. The spider is also famous because its bite can cause severe priapism, the spider’s venom has been proven to give its victim four-hour erection lob-ons.

When the erection causing spider couldn’t be found the Ryan family fled their home, but they’re now desperate to get back. Head of the household Darryl Ryan risked a painful bite and stonking erection earlier in the week when he risked going back into the house and trying to find the troublesome invertebrate.

“We were there for two hours and we didn’t find it. We looked everywhere. I’m going up the wall with this.” Mr Ryan told the Crosby Herald.

The dad of three used a car wing mirror tied to a fishing rod to try and locate the spider.

Merseyside Police have done next to nothing to help the Ryans.

“Our wildlife officer was liaising with the head of the ethnology department at Liverpool Museum to try and identify the species.” A spokesman said.

“Pest control have been out to the house and put a number of measures in place.”

The local council have also been as much use as a chocolate teapot, they tried making excuses saying the spider was probably harmless.

“From the photos provided, three independent experts confirmed to the best of their knowledge the spider is not dangerous to human health.”

“The Natural History Museum identification and advisory service based in London, indicated the spider is possibly known as a fishing spider which is not a danger to human health.” They said.

Costco, who sold the bananas have made some effort to try and help the Ryans. They arranged for exterminators to spray the Ryan’s family home with toxic pesticides.

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